Willa's Flic Pic: Bubba Ho-tep * * * *

This week I'm reviewing one of the few horror/thrillers I enjoy. Check out my review of Bubba Ho-tep.

Doing Something Big

Lately I've been having these feelings. A yearning. Of wanting to be a part of something "big", something significant. It's hard to explain. I want to stand out in my area of expertise, to be recognized in my field. It's not about being popular or famous but being sought out or referred to because of my reliability and value. This desire coincides with getting the above fortune from Mr. Lu's and reading The Bone Woman by Clea Koff.

Koff, a forensic anthropologist, was twenty-three when she went to Rwanda on the UN's first Internationl Criminal Tribunal to collect evidence of genocide. For years she knew she wanted to fight human rights abuses by reading their bones and speaking for them. She describes a day "at work" while in Bosnia:

Nine hours of clearing earth from on top of bodies and disengaging their limbs from one another for transfer to body bags was uniquely mellowing and fulfilling for me.

This is someone who has passion and drive and a clear sense of their own purpose. I think most struggle their entire lives hoping to find their purpose or that someone would simply tell them what it is. Yes, yes, my purpose is to glorify God. But how? We each are uniquely gifted so why is it that we are so confused about it?

I don't think knowing my purpose before the fact is necessary. The only necessary thing is doing. Making choices. Taking risks. Listening. Moving. Clearly defining my purpose ahead of time is not a requirement of accomplishment. In doing I discover purpose. "I should've studied anthropology." "I should've __________" is not moving. It's avoidance, denial, and rejection.

Don't misinterpret this post. It's really a personal pep talk not a sermon. When these feelings first cropped up I asked My Geek, "What possible significance could I be a part of? I'm so... average." (Insignificant was actually the word I thought.)

I'm not sure why I'm having these feelings of being a part of "something big". It could be because I'm getting older and I'm looking at the sum of my life and wondering if it adds up. It could be how the popular culture rewards pompous and unprincipled behavior. Or it could be that I have only just begun.

Willa's Flic Pic: About A Boy * * * *

If you liked High Fidelity, you'll like About A Boy.

Willa's Flic Pic: The Final Cut * *

This is a sci-fi movie I'm reviewing over at Drool on the Frog.

Tired, Weak, and Out of Control

I haven't mentioned it here before but, since about 1981, I've had chronic headaches. Starting in 1988, about every 18 months, I would have a headache so severe I had to go to the emergency room. In the past 4 years they've gotten increasingly worse. I now have a headache like that about twice a month. The doctor tells me it gets worse with age. I am in pain about 95% of the time.

I find this topic incredibly difficult to talk about. My personality doesn't allow it. I am first-born and a classic A-type. Success, to me, is never failing. Never. Failing, for me, is:

• never being tired (I finish ALL projects I am committed to on time),
  
• never being weak (I am never sick and I am strong enough to do any job ALL by myself), and
  
• never being out of control (I manage ALL situations to ensure my success).
  

Any wonder I have chronic headaches?

It's hard to take responsibility for the headaches. Naturally, I consider them a failure. In an effort not to fail, I failed.

Emotionally and spiritually I'm making progress, if not physically. I'm doing the mental reconditioning that I'm accepted as I am. The disappointing thing is that the damage is done. Twenty-five years of abuse are living in the nerves, muscles and bones of my neck, shoulders and chest.

Through all of this, I have questioned everything. Why doesn't God answer my prayers? What am I doing wrong? What does God want from me? What purpose does this serve? How can I serve God when I can't get out of bed?

Recently my pastor mentioned that similar questions were addressed in a book by Philip Yancey called Disappointment in God. I couldn't wait to get the book.

I've been angry, hopeless and disappointed in God. This book has done a lot to get me talking to Him again. I learned that God only wants two things: He wants us to trust Him (faith) and to choose (love) Him. This may seem like a pat answer but Yancey gave me a new perspective.

"For Job, the battleground of faith involved lost possessions, lost family members, lost health. … But the more important battle, as shown in Job, takes place inside us. Will we trust God? Job teaches that at the moment when faith is hardest and least likely, then faith is most needed." - Disappointment in God, Philip Yancey

I'm disappointed in myself for not standing by God when I was unsure why things were happening the way the were. I feel like a spoiled child or demanding lover who hasn't gotten her way. Our relationship is for better or for worse.

I don't know what's going on in God's world, the spirit world, so I have to trust that He's doing what is best for me. I don't see what battles are raging in the heavens over my prayers. I don't hear the groans that are made for my case. I don't feel the turmoil and intensity that rages in the universe... for me.

I can't tell you why it is that God doesn't heal me. I don't know and I've got to stop trying to answer that question. I need to have faith in what I do know. I know that God is extremely emotional over me. I know that God's desire is to wipe away all tears but that won't happen on this earth. I know my prayers reach God. I know, like a parent over a suffering child, God aches over every minute I'm in pain.

"But what if I create a universe that is free, free even of me? What if I veil My Divinity so that the creatures are free to pursue their individual lives without being overwhelmed by My overpowering Presence? Will the creatures love Me? Can I be loved by creatures whom I have not programmed to adore me forever? Can love arise out of freedom? My angels love me unceasingly, but they can see Me at all times." - The Time Falling Bodies Take to Light, William I. Thompson

Love is precarious. I've always said that given the right circumstances, any two people can fall in love. Love wanes and cannot solely sustain a relationship. What does? Choice. Everyday I may not love my spouse but everyday I choose him. It's conscious and calculated. Everyday I want to choose God. When God and I stand before naysayers and critics I want to choose Him. When I face "for worse" I want to choose Him.

Color-By-Numbers

For those of you who, like me, got in trouble for drawing on the walls as a child...

Jenny Wilkinson Design offers a paint-by-numbers wallpaper. So rise up, crayon in hand, and have at it! There is therefore now no condemnation for those who choose to color on the walls of their own home.